I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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