i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
