And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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