we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
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I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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