I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
