got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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