5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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