i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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