My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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