I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
