Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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