tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
