What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
