What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
