our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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