I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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