Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
