I am in a vortex of obligation.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
