I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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