Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
