So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
