I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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