Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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