The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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