When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
