why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
