ADVERTISEMENT

• (919): View more from North Carolina

  I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

  Fav 187 4437 2326

  share tweet
  

• (415): View more from California

  Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.

  Fav 10 2802 1477

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.

  Fav 3 2127 865

  share tweet
  

• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader

  Fav 6 1208 741

  share tweet
  

• (775): View more from Nevada

  He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances

  Fav 14 797 1147

  share tweet
  

• (651): View more from Minnesota

  I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.

  Fav 0 831 493

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?

  Fav 4 586 763

  share tweet
  

• (432): View more from Texas

  I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...

  Fav 4 945 769

  share tweet
  

• (530): View more from California

  Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.

  Fav 0 69 20

  share tweet
  

• (216): View more from Ohio

  I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.

  (1-216): View more from Ohio

  Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.

  Fav 0 29 45

  share tweet
  

• (619): View more from California

  Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica

  Fav 3 141 10

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (319): View more from Iowa

  How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??

  Fav 6 14 219

  share tweet
  

• (734): View more from Michigan

  Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband

  (313): View more from Michigan

  God bless him

  Fav 0 48 22

  share tweet
  

• (650): View more from California

  Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives

  Fav 0 20 10

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (630): View more from Illinois

  So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"

  Fav 0 41 13

  share tweet
  

Randomize