i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
