Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
