Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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