and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Randomize
