Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
