Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
