I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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