Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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