I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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