i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize