Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the day after is always just damage control
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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