I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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