Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
