Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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