there's paper in my vomit.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
