Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
