Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
