Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
