if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
