You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
