Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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