Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
