Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
