Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
