Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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