my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
