before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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