so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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